Back to School: Helping Our Kids Grow Up Without Pushing Too Hard

One of the hardest parts of parenting teenagers and young adults is figuring out when to step in and when to step back. We want our kids to become independent, responsible adults, but it can be hard to know whether we are helping them develop those skills or doing too much for them.

Sometimes we can go too far in one direction. We take care of things they are perfectly capable of doing because it seems easier or faster. Other times, we get frustrated and think, “They are old enough to figure this out!” and expect them to handle something they really don't have the skills for yet. Neither approach helps our kids develop confidence.

I think it helps to get curious about what is underneath the behavior. If your teenager keeps putting off getting their driver's license, for example, it might be easy to interpret that as a lack of ambition or independence. And as parents, we can go pretty far with that story. “If they don't even want to drive, how are they ever going to live on their own?” Before long, we are imagining our 35-year-old sitting in the basement playing video games while we bring them snacks.

Maybe driving makes them anxious. Maybe they are afraid of making a mistake. Maybe the whole process feels overwhelming and they don't know how to get started. Maybe executive functioning difficulties make a series of steps feel much harder than they look from the outside. Sometimes what looks like laziness or procrastination is really avoidance of something that feels uncomfortable or overwhelming.

That doesn't mean we stop expecting things from our kids. It means we try to understand what is making the task difficult so we can figure out what kind of support would actually help.

This is especially important as we head into another school year. Our teenagers are under enormous pressure to prepare for college and their future, and it is easy for parents to get caught up in that pressure right along with them. More AP classes, more activities, more leadership, more volunteering, more summer programs. It can start to feel like every empty space on the calendar is an opportunity they are wasting.

But the college admissions data are interesting. In the National Association for College Admission Counseling's 2023 survey, 76.8% of colleges said grades in college-preparatory courses were of considerable importance in admissions, while only 6.5% said extracurricular activities were of considerable importance. That doesn't mean activities don't matter, but it does challenge the idea that our kids have to do absolutely everything in order to get into college.

Some kids may actually need permission to do less.

They need enough space to sleep, have friends, play, pursue something they genuinely enjoy, and learn how to manage their own lives. A teenager who is constantly overwhelmed may not need another activity added to the schedule. They may need help learning how to prioritize and tolerate the discomfort of not doing everything.

This is where I think the idea of scaffolding can be really helpful. We don't have to choose between doing something for our kids and leaving them completely on their own. We can help them get started, break a complicated task into smaller pieces, talk through a problem, or sit with them while they figure out what to do next. Then, as they become more capable, we gradually step back.

The goal is not for our kids to never struggle. The goal is for them to have the experience of struggling with something, getting support when they need it, and eventually realizing, “I actually figured that out.” That experience builds a very different kind of confidence than having a parent constantly reminding, fixing, organizing, or rescuing.

I also think we have to be honest about how much our own fear can influence these conversations. When we are worried about our child's future, it is easy to become more demanding than we intended. We start talking about what will happen if they don't change, comparing them to other kids, or reminding them that they won't always have us to take care of things.

Usually, underneath all of that is love. We want them to be okay. We want them to have a good life. We want them to be able to take care of themselves. But our fear doesn't always help us communicate that love very well.

Instead of assuming the worst, we can try to stay curious and hold onto what we already know about our kids. “I've seen you handle hard things before. I'm wondering what is making this one difficult.” Or, “I know you have good judgment. Let's figure out what you need to be able to handle this yourself.” Our kids need to know that we believe they are capable, even when they aren't acting particularly capable at the moment.

They also need us to recognize that becoming an adult doesn't happen all at once. Some kids will be driving at 16, working at 17, and confidently heading off to college at 18. Others will take a little longer to find their footing. Some will need more support with executive functioning, anxiety, or other challenges along the way. That doesn't mean they aren't growing.

So as school starts again, maybe we can ask ourselves not just, “How do I get my child to do this?” but, “What would help my child become someone who can eventually do this on their own?” That shift can change the whole conversation. We can have expectations without shame. We can offer support without taking over. We can allow our kids to experience consequences without using fear to motivate them.

And perhaps most importantly, we can keep reminding ourselves that our job isn't to create a perfect, independent 18-year-old. It's to help our kids slowly discover that they are capable of becoming adults who can handle their lives, even when we aren't standing right beside them.